Terror of Jerky

Dear Dr. McGurk,

I tried bringing jerky home for Thanksgiving and it was confiscated by the airport security. They claimed it a hazardous material. I’ve never heard of this. What gives?

-Oh So Violated

Dear Oh So Violated,

Let’s get one thing straight. Jerky can be dangerous. Jerky is dangerous. It’s convoluted political history and nuanced flavor patters are frightening to the casual gustarian. It’s very existence, not to mention prevalence in American culture, puts everyone at risk. Thanks to the swiney Oberto lobbyists, it’s potential as the harbinger of death and terror is barely a national concern. Thankfully, the American people are slowly waking up.

Jerky for many is considered an authentically American construct. It stands to reason that no one should be consuming, complimenting, or praying to the snack in such highly combustible places like airports, landports, and Jersey City. Around the world, there are hundreds of millions of people who probably hate our jerky, and for no other reason but for what it stands for. Forget the individuals behind it, forget the taste, the locals it employs, the joy and satisfaction it brings to all the bellies who dare partake. They hate our jerky. Which is why we need to restrict its presence everywhere.

SSJ is on board. It’s time we institute some ground rules when it comes to ordering jerky. It’s guideline time.


1) Jerky customers will be subject to advanced taste-bud examinations aimed at ensuring all customers are capable of handling the awesome mindspoon properties of SSJ. Anything less and everyone’s gonna be a terrorist.

2) Jerky customers, while their right to receive jerky remains, will be requested to consume their jerky within one hour of opening. Any lingering jerky may be stolen by terrorists and analyzed for its weapons-grade components, thereby making you an accessory to terrorism.

3) All customization will be closely monitored for subversive activity. Applying a rub before a glaze and you got yourself an overnight terrorist.

4) All jerky sharing must be reported to SSJ within 24 hours, you terrorist.

Remember, while consuming jerky is totally not a crime, we all have to be careful of people hoping to use jerky against us. It’s too valuable to dispose of, too delicious to deny our children, and too profitable to let fall into the hands of the enemy. So let’s work together to ensure our nation’s certainty. Together, we can keep jerky safe from each other.

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