VIEW CARTInsiders report of enormous strides this weekend at the SSJ Experimental Laboratory as Executive Chef Liz Bullis and Director of Experimental Labs Alex Baumel concocted what is reported to be the a serious contender for the next SSJ Spice Rub.
The recent innovation came in the nick of time, as tensions have boiled over amongst the current rub lineup. The fair and just Jerk McGurk’s, teamed up as per-usual with the impatient and belligerent REDRUB, formally included the monolithic Garlic Powder to express unanimous disdain for Smoky Sanche’s. The ensuing rabble is not fit to print on this page, but innocent bystanders, namely in the form of naked beef jerky, have hinted at a prevalence of grain- and depth-of-flavor-related remarks. While this reporter refrains from taking sides, he will say it’s difficult to remain unbiased in the face of a topless Orig.
Smoky Sanche, who acquired its name from its uncanny resemblance to the late but well-respected community chinchilla, has made it clear through repeated statements with the press that the attacks on his makeup and essence are “hooey”.
“These Cretans, these bullies. They’re taking my solo career out of context. They don’t see it as an extension of my work with the rest of the group. Try me with a glaze, you’ll see. Try me with [Hot & Smoky]. No one comes close to the duet of Sanche and [Hot & Smoky]. ” Brown Sugar and Spicy Pepper both declined to comment.
“We love Smoky Sanche’s”, said Ms. Bullis, “but there’s some instability in the rub-room. There’s no doubt about that. Something’s gotta change.”
This is not the first time Sanche has been forced to defend himself. An incident in March, after being accused of being overpowering, Sanche’s spokesman issued a statement condemning his application process, which he claims is “outdated” and “developed to favor other more ‘popular’ rubs”. Jerky taste testers concurred in April that an over-abundance of Sanche can be quite difficult to take down, while a similar quantity of the other rubs tend to work quite well on the already flavor-rich jerky. Much to Sanche’s chagrin, the press failed to report on Garlic Powder’s suspicious absence from the taste test.
Bullis and Baumel have stated that they will release the full details of the new rub in the upcoming weeks. But for now, we’re seeing the balls-deep secrecy that has come to define this branch of the SlantShack ventures. “It’s close, it’s very close. We’ve literally got our people staked out in front of the Patent Office waiting for the green light to make this thing official.” This type of overt secrecy and paranoia, a result of repeated attempts at industrial espionage, has come to be expected from the SlantShack Experimental Laboratories.
“It’s a shame it has to end like this,” said a tearful Sanche. “I just hope my creators will remember me, or at least honor the eponymous chinchilla by naming something else after him.”
