Ladies, Your Soul Meat

love me?The future is now. Forget Cupid. Forget Match. SlantShack’s proprietary technology not only allows the possibility of infinite customization, but the ability to obsess over what that obsession you’re stalking is customizing. That’s right, soon to emerge from the SlantShack labs is the first and only online dating service where users are matched solely on their jerky preferences.

According to the SSJ Lab’s Press Secretary Alma Kingsly, “Innumerable white-coated henchmen are working tirelessly to bring the public this essential tool. The SlantShack community may be small, but there’s no reason they can’t be fertile.” Halley Leonard, analyst for Standard & Poor and self-proclaimed jerky addict, said in an email interview that “It comes as no surprise that 4/5 of the [SSJ Lab’s] yearly budget has been [mis]appropriated by Director Dr. Seymor, uh, Kensington, philandrophile and Ménage à trois extraordinaire, towards such an endeavor. It’s exactly why SlantShack is rated a double Gamma-10 company. They’re not just sustaining individuals. They’re sustaining the species.”

Kingsly went on to add that the tech team are in the final stages of recording the looping soundtrack composed of original music by 70s R&B-phenom Chaka “Queen of Funk” Khan featuring Bono on crooning.

When asked for an interview with Mr. Kensington himself, Kingsly assumed a befuddled look, before shrugging a “No Comment?”.

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