Introducing SlantShack Haberdashery – the Finest in beef jerky fashion accessories.
We’ve spent years scouring the globe in our search to find examples of the finest and most unique jerkywear our there.
In some cases, we’re able to offer you authentic, artisanal wares hand-crafted by the masters who first taught us; in other cases we can only offer as faithful a reproduction as possible based on historic accounts.
The Jerky Necklace – $31,000
From the moment I first met this girl, I knew that she’d be trouble. That’s why it was no surprise, five years later, that I would find myself having to chase her down again. A sultry, spicy ladytype, she had eyes like liquid smoke and lips that could stop traffic. Walking up behind her, I said, “You’ve got an awful lot of jewelery for a woman with no wedding ring,” hoping to catch her off guard. “Did you steal that too?” We both knew she didn’t. God, I’d forgotten how radiant she looked in that necklace, with its delicate links and sparkling gemstones. She turned calmly, eyed me up and down, saw the gun in my holster, and asked “Have you come to arrest me, Detective?” I’d thought about this day for a long time, imagined what it would finally feel like. I was about to find out. “No, darling” I replied. “I came to say goodbye.”
The Jerky Bowtie – $119.99
All eyes in the chapel are fixed on the ascending bride, save for four. His eyes are locked onto yours before you even realize you’re staring at him, and his gaze pierces deep into your heart, seeing your every desire. You try to look away, but you can’t. It’s as if you’re trapped – caught in the act of a simple glance that has now turned into a full on ogle. What is it about him that makes it impossible for you to avert your longing eyes? Like a fool who stares at an eclipse, you fear your retinas are somehow getting burned from the radiance of his nearly imperceptible smile, his impeccable attire. He’s easily the most handsome and dapper man in the church, but yet there’s something else drawing you to him. A rugged and manly beefyness that you just can’t quite put your finger on. From across the room, you think you can almost smell him – a spicy and savory scent that makes you yearn to be held tightly in his arms, nuzzled underneath his chin. The French call this “je ne sais quoi.” We call it the Jerky Bowtie. Will it have the same effect for every man that wears it? There’s only one way to find out.
The Jerky Crown – $23,000
The King is dead. His crown now sits atop an imposter, the very poisoner whose secret machinations you discovered, tragically too. The jerky kingdom teeters on the brink of collapse. Will you fall with it, or can you rise to take back your father’s stolen throne? This replica crown, worn by Princess Beckhardt III for her coronation in 1524 AD, will rally nations, or at least turn heads at your next costume party.
The Jerky Eyepatch – $429.99
For six years the smuggler captain survived on jerky island. Six long years of to think about the shipwreck; about what had gone wrong; about what he could have possibly done differently to save the life of at least one of his shipmates on that fateful night. Left blind in one eye from a devastating lightning strike that crippled his vessel, and able to recover nothing from the ship save for the hanunting memories of the crew’s muffled, drowning screams, he survived on that god-forsaken rock just long enough to lose his mind. Based on the original sketches in his recovered diaries, we offer this replica of his hand-fashioned eye patch. (Available in adult and child sizes)
The Jerky Mask – $949.01
Disfigured in a horrible accident, the former butcher now hides himself from the world. Can you even bear to look at him now, or dare to think of him? This lonesome gargoyle who burns in hell, but secretly yearns for heaven. The man behind the monster. This repulsive carcass that seems a beast, but secretly dreams of beauty. Stand out at your next masquerade ball, while keeping your true identity hidden.