The Tears Mean It’s Working!

You may have heard in the news that the world has finally recognized a long-disenfranchised group: companies. They’re people, you know. You probably don’t know, cause you don’t own one. Well we do, and they are. They can vote, they can be charged with tax evasion, and they can have their feelings hurt. They have souls just like you and me (and fetuses).

Not long ago, the SlantShack soul was a momentarily insulted, when a couple of heckle-happy teenagers told us our Hot & Smoky with Spicy Pepper and REDRUB “wasn’t too hot.” We chased them off alright, but the damage had been done. The Shack slumped with shame and started off on a two hour renovation plan. It took mounds of ice cream and an awful lot of caulk to get him back to normal.

So we now call your bluff, stupid teenagers! Our spicy pepper glaze is getting an upgrade from smelt-core to lavalicious. It’s so hot, it’s tear-jerk[y]ing. You may think that means it dries up your tears, which it does. It makes you cry and then dries up your own tears so they don’t cool your pathetic red face.

The process, while brilliant, is quite simple really. The pepper glaze causes so much painful pleasure by a process known as “breaking-through-that-thick-tough-layer-of-outer tongue to reach the tender taste-buds-below-and-while-inside-retroactively-cauterizing-the-wounds-they-just-created-thereby-sealing-their-delicious-pain-within-your-tongue-for-up-to-eight-hours”. We spared no expense. (Incidentally, the SlantShack dining room taste-test extravaganza lasted nine days and involved eleven South Asian families. That’s how serious we are.)

Now of course we will need a few more weeks to perfect this – we’re not looking to kill anyone. We’re just looking to maim your tongue to a point where you revere us. Is that so much to ask?

dumb n dumber

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