There are many reasons to be thankful this holiday season. Stockings, for instance. Reindeer, in all their furry delicious glory. Other things: Islam, Christianity, and Judaism. And then of course there are the presents. We adults know the holidays are often a time of disappointment. The wife leaves you cause another year of her life has been wasted, your kids give you something they blindly grabbed from the Non-Fiction Hardcover section, signed by all three of them. But then there’s an entirely different kind of disappointment – when you realize that the most awesome gift ever is in a box, with a bow, waiting for you. But you can’t have it. The post office has it, and they don’t work today.
Well I’m here to remind you about the dangers of ordering Christmas presents online. Which is why every year we tell the tale of the Great Christmas Disaster of 2010.
December 23rd, 2010. The SlantShack Team huddles in their slanty situation room, all eyes fixed on the FedEx tracker. The click of the mouse, the refreshing of a web-page, the barely audible croak of a devastated shacker holding back his tears – these are the only sounds to be heard. Another complaint comes in, this one littered with sadface emoticons, which stings us all with tremendous regret and disappointment, as if someone had just lanced our collective gut with a frigid icicle and whispered into our ears the last thing we’ll hear before we die: “There is no Santa Claus.”
It was an act of God, we tell ourselves. An extremely seasonal snow storm covers much of the country, causing grave delays in precious deliveries. Everywhere, children’s suspicions of Santa’s abilities are confirmed. At the SlantShack, tears are shed as a montage of sepia-toned stills cross our minds: rosey-cheeked children clamoring down the stairs Christmas morning, certain they’ll find their carefully-hung stockings overflowing with freshly-spiced artisanal meat; bright, beaming smiles wiped from faces as delicate bows unravel, shiny, wrapping paper are torn off boxes, and not a single bag of jerky is in sight. Just toys, games, glue, and other inedible non-cow-based products.
Please don’t put us through this again. For the love of all that is holy.
Yes, we’ve made our mistakes. As such, we are forced to institute a LAST ORDER DATE OF DECEMBER 16th to ensure a pre-Christmas jerky arrival, and happy, well-adjusted children. This, you must understand, is for everyone’s safety, and more importantly our sanity. The nightmares remain to this day, of poor little empty-handed children, without sweet glazes nor savory spice-rubs, with only the hot salty tears of sadness, ever wondering what it was they could have possibly done to cause Santa Claus to skip them.