Christmas Disaster – 2010

There are many reasons to be thankful this holiday season. Stockings, for instance. Reindeer, in all their furry delicious glory. Other things: Islam, Christianity, and Judaism. And then of course there are the presents. We adults know the holidays are often a time of disappointment. The wife leaves you cause another year of her life has been wasted, your kids give you something they blindly grabbed from the Non-Fiction Hardcover section, signed by all three of them. But then there’s an entirely different kind of disappointment – when you realize that the most awesome gift ever is in a box, with a bow, waiting for you. But you can’t have it. The post office has it, and they don’t work today.

Well I’m here to remind you about the dangers of ordering Christmas presents online. Which is why every year we tell the tale of the Great Christmas Disaster of 2010.

December 23rd, 2010. The SlantShack Team huddles in their slanty situation room, all eyes fixed on the FedEx tracker. The click of the mouse, the refreshing of a web-page, the barely audible croak of a devastated shacker holding back his tears – these are the only sounds to be heard. Another complaint comes in, this one littered with sadface emoticons, which stings us all with tremendous regret and disappointment, as if someone had just lanced our collective gut with a frigid icicle and whispered into our ears the last thing we’ll hear before we die: “There is no Santa Claus.” 

It was an act of God, we tell ourselves. An extremely seasonal snow storm covers much of the country, causing grave delays in precious deliveries. Everywhere, children’s suspicions of Santa’s abilities are confirmed. At the SlantShack, tears are shed as a montage of sepia-toned stills cross our minds: rosey-cheeked children clamoring down the stairs Christmas morning, certain they’ll find their carefully-hung stockings overflowing with freshly-spiced artisanal meat; bright, beaming smiles wiped from faces as delicate bows unravel, shiny, wrapping paper are torn off boxes, and not a single bag of jerky is in sight. Just toys, games, glue, and other inedible non-cow-based products.

Please don’t put us through this again. For the love of all that is holy.

Yes, we’ve made our mistakes. As such, we are forced to institute a LAST ORDER DATE OF DECEMBER 16th to ensure a pre-Christmas jerky arrival, and happy, well-adjusted children.  This, you must understand, is for everyone’s safety, and more importantly our sanity. The nightmares remain to this day, of poor little empty-handed children, without sweet glazes nor savory spice-rubs, with only the hot salty tears of sadness, ever wondering what it was they could have possibly done to cause Santa Claus to skip them.
 

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The Tears Mean It’s Working!

You may have heard in the news that the world has finally recognized a long-disenfranchised group: companies. They’re people, you know. You probably don’t know, cause you don’t own one. Well we do, and they are. They can vote, they can be charged with tax evasion, and they can have their feelings hurt. They have souls just like you and me (and fetuses).

Not long ago, the SlantShack soul was a momentarily insulted, when a couple of heckle-happy teenagers told us our Hot & Smoky with Spicy Pepper and REDRUB “wasn’t too hot.” We chased them off alright, but the damage had been done. The Shack slumped with shame and started off on a two hour renovation plan. It took mounds of ice cream and an awful lot of caulk to get him back to normal.

So we now call your bluff, stupid teenagers! Our spicy pepper glaze is getting an upgrade from smelt-core to lavalicious. It’s so hot, it’s tear-jerk[y]ing. You may think that means it dries up your tears, which it does. It makes you cry and then dries up your own tears so they don’t cool your pathetic red face.

The process, while brilliant, is quite simple really. The pepper glaze causes so much painful pleasure by a process known as “breaking-through-that-thick-tough-layer-of-outer tongue to reach the tender taste-buds-below-and-while-inside-retroactively-cauterizing-the-wounds-they-just-created-thereby-sealing-their-delicious-pain-within-your-tongue-for-up-to-eight-hours”. We spared no expense. (Incidentally, the SlantShack dining room taste-test extravaganza lasted nine days and involved eleven South Asian families. That’s how serious we are.)

Now of course we will need a few more weeks to perfect this – we’re not looking to kill anyone. We’re just looking to maim your tongue to a point where you revere us. Is that so much to ask?

dumb n dumber

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No Country for an East Coast Lab Technician

We are pleased to report the result of last week’s experiment: inconclusive but still fairly enlightening. One of our lucky SlantShack experimental lab technicians got a round trip ticket to the heart of the smoldering, desiccated landscape known as Arizona. His task was to film our east coast-raised jerky in 115 degree mid-October heat, to see how it reacts to such an other-worldly environment. Here is his latest report:

“From the keypad of Richard Gaines – 10/20/11

Your friendly east-coast scientist has no companions in the desert, and the desert seems to enjoy this. E.G.: after walking solo from the airport straight towards the really brown and dry looking mountains, I came across literally zero water fountains. Several sand-worms found it necessary to bust through the earth’s crust all hither and thither, making fairly treacherous holes to circumnavigate and water-fountain-finding even more difficult. A true pain. Soon I lost my way (the sand-worms had me all turned around). The surrounding cacti didn’t help. They just stood there shrugging all like “don’t ask me, I’m just a cactus.” After hours in the sun I became pretty confident they were just stubborn and I decided to pass the time applying coat after coat of Chapstick until they were ready to give him proper directions. They were not jealous of my Chapstick abundance. I awoke several hours later beneath a dying shrub to the gently kicking of Park Ranger Lillie, who took advantage of my kittenish state and stole my jerky.
desert jerky“Park Ranger Lillie is from Boston. I didn’t care but she told me. She told me lots of things, in fact, about 21 different things specifically related to the flora/fauna of the area. She even accompanied each tid-bit with a highly realistic “day-in-the-life-of…” simulation, complete with rubber animals and predictable voice acting. Once in a while she complimented me on the jerky (yay!). I kept my sanity by deifying  the person who finally made her snap and leave the east coast to become the sole keeper of this uninhabitable death-zone. I wished it was me, and would have told her to, but I didn’t want to interrupt the admittedly tense battle occuring between the rubber Gila Monster and the rubber Tarantula.

“I asked for my jerky back and she said I was probably so dehydrated and the slightest amount of salt intake could kill me. I had upset her. I could tell by her tone as she said, “Now can I finish,” before launching back into her take on a jack-rabbit’s internal monologue, which, after a few attempts, she decided she had to start over.

“Presently a little uncertain of my fate, but I will not abandon the mission. I do however need additional supplies. Please send three pounders packs and if you can spare it a few east coast rubber animal toys (something ferocious) to:

MacDougal Mountain, East
c/o Richard Gaines
Scottsdale, Arizona 92810

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Local Jerky Company Poised to Provide NYC Hurricane Relief

NEW YORK — SlantShack Jerky LLC has reportedly started producing what they are calling “surge blockers”, or large sheets of ultra-dehydrated beef-jerky designed to absorb up to 8x their dry volume of water.  When laid on the ground in long chains, much like the traditional sandbag walls typically used to prevent flooding, these surge blockers can theoretically absorb up to 300 gallons of water per foot before becoming fully saturdated, which is the equivalent of reducing a typical 10′ storm surge to about 2′.  It is unclear where the funding for this project, which is expected to cost roughly $14 million, is coming from, as neither the NYC Office of Emergency Management nor the Federal Emergency Management Agency has given any funding to the previously little-known company.  Officials at the SlantShack Jerky Experimental Laboratories have remained extremely tight-lipped and cryptic about this aspect of the project, saying only “we’ve been saving up for a rainy day.”

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Introducing SlantShack Haberdashery

Introducing SlantShack Haberdashery – the Finest in beef jerky fashion accessories.

We’ve spent years scouring the globe in our search to find examples of the finest and most unique jerkywear our there.

In some cases, we’re able to offer you authentic, artisanal wares hand-crafted by the masters who first taught us; in other cases we can only offer as faithful a reproduction as possible based on historic accounts.

The Jerky Necklace – $31,000

From the moment I first met this girl, I knew that she’d be trouble. That’s why it was no surprise, five years later, that I would find myself having to chase her down again. A sultry, spicy ladytype, she had eyes like liquid smoke and lips that could stop traffic. Walking up behind her, I said, “You’ve got an awful lot of jewelery for a woman with no wedding ring,” hoping to catch her off guard. “Did you steal that too?” We both knew she didn’t. God, I’d forgotten how radiant she looked in that necklace, with its delicate links and sparkling gemstones. She turned calmly, eyed me up and down, saw the gun in my holster, and asked “Have you come to arrest me, Detective?” I’d thought about this day for a long time, imagined what it would finally feel like. I was about to find out. “No, darling” I replied. “I came to say goodbye.”

The Jerky Bowtie – $119.99


All eyes in the chapel are fixed on the ascending bride, save for four. His eyes are locked onto yours before you even realize you’re staring at him, and his gaze pierces deep into your heart, seeing your every desire. You try to look away, but you can’t. It’s as if you’re trapped – caught in the act of a simple glance that has now turned into a full on ogle. What is it about him that makes it impossible for you to avert your longing eyes? Like a fool who stares at an eclipse, you fear your retinas are somehow getting burned from the radiance of his nearly imperceptible smile, his impeccable attire. He’s easily the most handsome and dapper man in the church, but yet there’s something else drawing you to him. A rugged and manly beefyness that you just can’t quite put your finger on. From across the room, you think you can almost smell him – a spicy and savory scent that makes you yearn to be held tightly in his arms, nuzzled underneath his chin. The French call this “je ne sais quoi.” We call it the Jerky Bowtie. Will it have the same effect for every man that wears it? There’s only one way to find out.

The Jerky Crown – $23,000

The King is dead. His crown now sits atop an imposter, the very poisoner whose secret machinations you discovered, tragically too. The jerky kingdom teeters on the brink of collapse. Will you fall with it, or can you rise to take back your father’s stolen throne? This replica crown, worn by Princess Beckhardt III for her coronation in 1524 AD, will rally nations, or at least turn heads at your next costume party.

The Jerky Eyepatch – $429.99


For six years the smuggler captain survived on jerky island. Six long years of to think about the shipwreck; about what had gone wrong; about what he could have possibly done differently to save the life of at least one of his shipmates on that fateful night. Left blind in one eye from a devastating lightning strike that crippled his vessel, and able to recover nothing from the ship save for the hanunting memories of the crew’s muffled, drowning screams, he survived on that god-forsaken rock just long enough to lose his mind. Based on the original sketches in his recovered diaries, we offer this replica of his hand-fashioned eye patch. (Available in adult and child sizes)

The Jerky Mask – $949.01

Disfigured in a horrible accident, the former butcher now hides himself from the world. Can you even bear to look at him now, or dare to think of him? This lonesome gargoyle who burns in hell, but secretly yearns for heaven. The man behind the monster. This repulsive carcass that seems a beast, but secretly dreams of beauty. Stand out at your next masquerade ball, while keeping your true identity hidden.

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SSJ in Gentleman’s Quarterly

Did you catch SlantShack Jerky in the August issue of GQ?  On page 42, right next to McClure’s Pickles and a bunch of other “Apocalypse Pantry” staples. We understand if you missed it on your way to the Mila Kunis cover story…

According to the jerky connoisseurs at GQ, SlantShack “‎tastes like portable steak instead of seasoned corduroy.” But you already know that.

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…when you pry it from my cold, dead hands.

It has come to our attention that the anti-meat facists have taken it a step too far, banning paying patrons from bringing meat into performance venues, and even going so far as to have hired security mercenaries screen them like they’re common criminals.

Original story here: [http://www.nme.com/news/morrissey/57992]

Well we’re one step ahead of them.

Some practical smuggling tips for the Jerky Freedom Fighter:

-Hide jerky in hoods of sweatshirts. They always forget to check in the hood.

- Wear jerky disguised as jewelry, like necklaces or bracelets.  Attractive, practical, delicious.

- Make a faux “bound-leather” book cover.  Also works for e-books.

- Empty contents of jerky bag into an empty bag of some vegetarian product and hope they don’t try to look inside.

- Hollow out some sort of gourd and fill it with jerky.

- Hide jerky bag inside a maxi-pad box to get past male bouncers/security.

- Jerky codpiece.  Keeps you warm and savory while keeping your jerky stash well hidden.  Won’t work on TSA screeners, though.

- Trojan cow pinata.

- Trained falcon. You can smuggle just about anything with the aid of your trusty feathered-friend, Mordecai.

- Jedi mind tricks.  “You don’t need to look into my bag.  There’s no meat in here. I can go right in and enjoy the concert.” Weak-minded fool….

If you have other tips on jerky smuggling that you’d like to share with The Resistance, please feel free to comment.  Keep fighting the good fight, jerky lovers!

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Ladies, Your Soul Meat

love me?The future is now. Forget Cupid. Forget Match. SlantShack’s proprietary technology not only allows the possibility of infinite customization, but the ability to obsess over what that obsession you’re stalking is customizing. That’s right, soon to emerge from the SlantShack labs is the first and only online dating service where users are matched solely on their jerky preferences.

According to the SSJ Lab’s Press Secretary Alma Kingsly, “Innumerable white-coated henchmen are working tirelessly to bring the public this essential tool. The SlantShack community may be small, but there’s no reason they can’t be fertile.” Halley Leonard, analyst for Standard & Poor and self-proclaimed jerky addict, said in an email interview that “It comes as no surprise that 4/5 of the [SSJ Lab's] yearly budget has been [mis]appropriated by Director Dr. Seymor, uh, Kensington, philandrophile and Ménage à trois extraordinaire, towards such an endeavor. It’s exactly why SlantShack is rated a double Gamma-10 company. They’re not just sustaining individuals. They’re sustaining the species.”

Kingsly went on to add that the tech team are in the final stages of recording the looping soundtrack composed of original music by 70s R&B-phenom Chaka “Queen of Funk” Khan featuring Bono on crooning.

When asked for an interview with Mr. Kensington himself, Kingsly assumed a befuddled look, before shrugging a “No Comment?”.

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We’re Huge in Japan

SlantShack Jerky was recently featured in the Japanese food magazine PECOPECO!  Check out the article online here.  And for those of you whose Japanese is a little rusty, we’ve pasted a translation below (courtesy of Google Translate).

SlantShack Jerky

This beef jerky is good anyway! Though it is thick, the hardness reasonable, out-source more and more meat and flavor as you chew chew. The best snack to go with beer!

This delicious beef jerky, that would make the appearance of a giant man in a cowboy who knows … It thinks surely established in the flesh, how, at the time Columbia was a university student and friend of the school year 2008 Joshua Kace’s This is also surprising because he started.

The taste and acquire the top-rated five-star ranking of the best beef jerky, which stole the topic in many magazines, but a prince of the rising red circle just beef jerky.

The secret of good taste, and meat, marinate the source, it’s in the spice and Gureizusosu surface, this seems repeatedly arrived at the taste in their research thoroughly. The recipe is top secret and that. It was a college student, nor the various stereotypes, what a product born out of unique ideas.

Than anything, you can order to recommend the purchase of a customized Web. The size, type of meat, marinate source types, spices, and have different types of Gureisusosu choose, and this is fun game. The combination of novice chefs can recommend the way, “Grass-Fed Original w / RedRub”, “Grass-fed Hot and Smoky Beef with Brown Sugar Glaze”, “Grass-fed Hot and Smoky Beef with Brown Sugar Glaze and Jerk McGurk’s Wild Rubdown “has become.

Jerky full of creativity, by all means try it.


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Update: Sanche On The Move

In a striking update from the world of SlantShack, Smokey Sanche, the disgruntled spice-rub incarnate,  has abandoned the jerky factory in Orleans, VT, to “road-trip it” “home” for cinqo de “mayo”. As tonight’s press secretary for SlantShack, it is this reporter’s duty to declare that SSJ doesn’t condone Sanche’s expatriation in search of any condiment, let alone the dreaded amorphous franco-alien blob known around the globe as mayonnaise.

SANCHE!

Artist Representation of Smokey Sanche (c. 1953)

However, as a tonight’s press secretary, I am bound by contract to implicitly respect his decision at least to the point of writing about it publicly and giving the world the option of sympathizing with his plight, rather than just simply letting the story fall by the wayside without a single posted photograph of this scandalous icon doing suggestive things with other more scantily clad icons in Mexico involving mayonnaise.

Check back on the fifth for something (hopefully) juicy.

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